It is precisely as it sounds. Not so much the mojitos quote1 but the start of a new (ideally) weekly segment in which I will briefly recap all the movies I watched the prior week—a combination of short analyses and anecdotes of my experience with these films.
Obviously, the length of these posts will depend on the amount of media I consume, which varies by week, but according to my 2022 Letterboxd stats, I average 7.1 films per week. Whether that is too much or too few is not for me to determine, but it’s certainly a manageable amount that never feels overwhelming, which is the ultimate goal.
In most cases, these recaps will be spoiler free. I say “most cases” because there will likely be times when spoiling a plot may be constructive to the conversation and in those cases, I will be sure to flag the post. Rest assured, I will never intentionally spoil the plot as I, like many others, feel that watching anything without any preconceived thoughts, is the best way to experience art. With all this being said, my general rule of thumb for spoilers is the 1-year rule.2
Spoiler Alert (2022)
All it takes is a quick glance at the synopsis to know what kind of movie Spoiler Alert is.
Tears. A movie chemically engineered to make you sob so hard that it feels like your lungs are on fire and the only way you can put out that fire is with the tears that are streaming profusely from your eyeballs. But unlike many of its cohorts, Spoiler Alert never attempts to hide its sadness. In fact, it does the exact opposite, it fully embraces it— which somehow makes it even sadder. No twists. No turns. A genuine reflection of life, love, and death.
Score: 3.5/5
A Man Called Otto (2023)
While technically not the first 2023 film I saw in 20233, it was technically my first theatrical experience of 2023. The plot is fairly simple: Otto (Hanks) is a grumpy old man living in a suburb of America. He badgers people about their parking passes. Gets upset when someone doesn't lock up their bike. Doesn't like people or animals— I think you get the idea. You can predict every emotional beat in A Man called Otto, but despite its predictability, it’s not an offensively lousy movie. In fact, if you were to stand outside the auditorium and judge the movie's quality solely on the audience's laughter, you would probably come to the conclusion that the film was good. Now, this could be for one of two reasons:
The movie is legitimately clever, well-written, and funny.
The exploitation of Boomer Humor4
The answer is the latter. That being said, the movie’s profusion of sentimentality will likely make anyone with any ounce of compassion misty-eyed.
Score: 3/5
Along Came Polly (2004) (r)
Revisiting Along Came Polly is the film equivalent of using a time machine to visit 2004. The millennia in its infancy perfectly encapsulated in a 90-minute romantic comedy. It’s a bad movie, but the beauty of Along Came Polly is that it never attempts to be a good movie. A by-the-book romantic comedy of opposites attract helmed by two A-list celebrities of that era but with one colossal difference— Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Sure, a lot of rom-coms can boast the eccentric friend of the protagonist, but few rom-coms can boast that the eccentric friend is played by one of the greatest actors to have graced this planet. PSH’s role in Along Came Polly is iconic, partially because his character is endlessly hilarious but primarily because his subsequent role would win him an Academy Award and officially catapult him into critical acclaim.
Score: 2.5/5
The Insider (1999)
The beginning of Michael Mann binge started with The Insider for three reasons:
Al Pacino
Al Pacino
This scene
Granted, I had never seen The Insider so it was entirely possible that this scene was meaningless to the movie, but the stills were so alluring, I had to know for myself. Fortunately, the scene was not meaningless, and even more fortunate is that The Insider is reason 1001 why Michael Mann is one of the most talented filmmakers still working today. Admittedly, I have a personal affinity for journalism vs. the world type films5, there's something very cathartic in watching people with seemingly unlimited power being systematically dismantled by the people with limited power. Vindication.
Score: 4.5/5
M3gan (2022)
The fashion. The dance. The music. It’s only the first week of 2023 and we already have an icon in the making. The marketing for M3gan should be studied by any person in the world of film— not just because of the utter hilarity but because of the empirical success. Even if M3gan was an incompetent film (it is not), the marketing was so prevalent and convincing, its success was almost a guarantee. From hiring actresses to dance on the Empire State Building to M3gan’s Twitter feud with Chucky, it didn’t matter if the movie was bad, people wanted to see more of the TikTok dancing doll. But the best part? The movie isn’t bad. In fact, it was actually quite good, which only added fuel to M3gan’s engine.
It’s not a perfect movie, it may even be a stretch to call it a horror movie, but M3gan is aware of that and most importantly, M3gan doesn’t care. It chooses to have fun and so do I.
Score: 3.5/5
Blackhat (2015)
My second Michael Mann in a week, but the one I admittedly looked forward to the least. At the time of its release, Blackhat received mixed reactions from critics, but the posture from the audience was less ambiguous— they hated it. Or at the very minimum, they just didn’t care. Blackhat bombed at the box office, grossing a little less than 20 million dollars against a 70 million dollar budget. So what was the source of their apathy? On paper, Blackhat had the ingredients for a successful movie.
It was directed by Michael Mann.
It starred Chris Hemsworth who was arguably reaching the height of his career via the MCU.
It was, for all intents and purposes, an action movie.
So what went wrong? I’d argue all those exact things.
Michael Mann, while the mastermind behind Heat (1995), had entered the new millennia with the following: Ali (2001), Collateral (2004 ), Miami Vice (2006), and Public Enemies (2009). To diehards, Mann was an auteur willing to push the limits of the medium, but to the general populace, he was a director with a shaky track record. Ali would flop, Collateral would be a critical and commercial success, and Miami Vice & Public Enemies would be profitable but have mixed critical reactions. 6 years would pass, so what would audiences think of Mann next?
To have Hemsworth as the lead seemed like the most natural (and lucrative) decision due to the explosion of his popularity from the birth of the MCU. But like other MCU-born actors, he struggled to expand his name beyond the MCU, with some exceptions6. This is not to imply Hemsworth is a bad actor, he is not, but with any actor so strongly associated with a character, people seemed to care less about Hemsworth when he wasn't playing the God of Thunder.
This is the most important point. Blackhat was an action movie. But it was a convoluted action movie about the intricacies of cyber-warfare. Action existed in the movie, but the movie was much more concerned with hacking— which on the surface is interesting but becomes far less interesting when it’s operating at more realistic levels, which Blackhat did. What’s more fun— watching the DJ Qualls from The Core take out a piece of chewing gum and use the foil to hack into Aaron Eckhart’s phone to give him free long-distance calling?7 Or watching Hemsworth & Co read and discuss code? The answer is the former.
Alas, like many of Mann’s initially panned films, Blackhat has received a positive retrospective with many praising the direction of the film and while I did not entirely dislike it, it still lacks the polished quality of other Mann films.
Score: 3/5
The Menu (2022)
Eat the rich. Except, what I love about The Menu is that it not only slams the uber elite, but I find its discussion about the relationship between art and the artist much more interesting. The commodification of art. At one point do we lose ourselves to the machine and forget why we create art? What is the value of art if creating said art brings you no actual joy? I’m not entirely sure if there are right or wrong answers and I don’t believe The Menu has both feet on one side of the discussion, but that’s why it has been such a fun film to watch and re-watch. And while the dunking on foodie culture is a larger allegory for criticizing how we consume art, it’s still fun to dunk on foodie culture.
Also, I need to live my truth and say that I completely agree: s’mores “are the most offensive assault on the human palate ever contrived.” A pointless concoction.
Score: 4/5
Miami Vice (2006)
A fiend for mojitos. This is where the subtitle to post originates. Important to note, I have no experience with the 80s show, which I think plays an incredible part in how you receive this movie. My experience with Sonny and Rico was nil until I watched Mann’s iteration of the franchise and it will likely remain that way. Like Blackhat, Miami Vice received a mixed reaction from critics at the time of its release. Unlike Blackhat, it was profitable. Although, I think it’s fair to argue that it may have had the same fate as Blackhat if it didn’t wasn’t already based on an established and successful IP.
But I enjoyed my time with Miami Vice much more than I anticipated.
Was it because of the complete overload of Collin Farrell’s sheer sexiness? Possibly.
Was it because the film opens up with the hit 2004 song Numb/Encore— a cross-genre collaboration between two artists at the apex of their careers?8Absolutely.
But mostly it was Mann's impeccable direction that kept me locked into my seat and engaged with it every minute. An almost perfect movie that's held back by the lack of romantic chemistry, mainly between Sonny and Isabelle, and way too many Audioslave needle drops9.
Score: 4/5
Near Dark (1987)
At the beginning of January, a slew of Kathryn Bigelow films hit streaming platforms sparking an onslaught of film fans to binge her work, including me. Near Dark, a movie about vampires in Oklahoma, had been on my watchlist for years. Expectations were high and there was a lot I loved about Near Dark, but I can’t help feeling slightly disappointed with the end result. I adored its blend of western and vampire tropes, it doesn’t take any groundbreaking approaches to vampires, but this is a good thing. The violence and practical effects have aged beautifully, but it’s the story that loses much of its momentum and structure by the time we get to the end. One minute, we are watching these vampires take on the world and the next everyone is catching on fire. It’s a rushed ending to a world that I was enjoying, but one I felt like I barely had the chance to get to know.
Score: 3.5/5
The Pale Blue Eye (2023)
This is the second Scott Cooper flick in a row where I was somewhat intrigued (less than Antlers) but the end result was nothing short of disappointing. Does Scott Cooper have dirt on Christian Bale? It’s also their third film together10rounding a trilogy of mediocrity. Cooper is undoubtedly talented at creating a very specific atmosphere and conveying tone, but the narratives are consistently incoherent or worse—boring. At its foundation, The Pale Blue is an interesting whodunnit with an exceptional Harry Melling performance, which feels wild to say when he is the supporting role to a four-time Academy Award nominee and one-time winner, but Bale’s performance is apathetic at best.
Score: 2.5/5
Rocky II (1979)
What is the movie you’ve seen the most in your life?
It’s a question that I get asked often and most times I default to Matilda (1996), which isn’t entirely deceptive, at least not intentionally. But if I were to actually take the time and enter my mind palace to remember each movie I’ve rewatched throughout my life, the more appropriate answer would be the Rocky franchise.11 Two things inspired me to rewatch the franchise: Rocky 1-5 have now been added to Netflix and the impending Creed III release in March.
Now going into this franchise, I knew my nostalgia would blind me from seeing any true flaws. I knew I would enjoy them regardless of their faults, but Rocky II sincerely surprised me. Maybe what they say is true— the older we get, the softer we get, because I found myself on the brink of tears during the last 5 minutes. It’s a franchise that notably doesn’t break any new grounds in its storytelling, each movie is essentially a rehash of the previous one, but if there is any franchise that succeeds solely because of heart, it’s the Rocky franchise.
Score: 4/5
This is a bald-faced lie, I truly love mojitos. However, at what level is someone considered a fiend for something? Would I commit a crime for mojitos? I do not believe so. Would I spend an exorbitant amount of money on a mojito? Not a single one, but possibly multiple. Or is it just a matter of obsession? Would I only order mojitos— no matter the time or setting? This is where I fail to meet the definition of a fiend as I simply do not have the gall to order mojitos when I’m not soaking up the sun at some tropical resort.
To spoil or not to spoil— a strangely heated conversational topic, especially when it revolves around films with fandoms. While few would disagree that intentionally spoiling a project, especially one in its infancy, is nothing short of a jerk move— the more important question is when are we allowed to freely discuss spoilers? There is no right or wrong answer, thus the 1-year rule. After 1 year of the project’s release, it is reasonable to freely discuss spoilers in a public setting. 1 year, for most, is an ample amount of time to allow anyone interested in a particular project to access and consume it. So while I will not be discussing the identity of the murderer in Glass Onion, I may casually mention that Bruce Willis was dead at the end of Sixth Sense.
This is because I was fortunate enough to attend the world premiere of M3gan in early December. Quite possibly the highlight of my career thus far.
A term coined by an unknown soul, but also a popular subreddit dedicated to the mostly jokes that most people find unfunny, but are a riot to boomers. These jokes usually revolve around Millenials/Gen Z's obsession with the digital world and their inability to relinquish technology to live in the moment. See this comic strip for reference.
See also: All The President’s Men, Dark Waters, Spotlight, The Post
The most notable exception would be the 2013 film Rush which was both acclaimed and profitable.
This scene altered my DNA. DJ Qualls of The New Guy fame playing a hacker named Rat? It doesn’t get more cliche than this moment. I’m sharing so it can also change your life. Remember when movies were fun? The Core- Rat's Arrest/Hacking
Is this the greatest cross-genre collaboration between two musical artists? I am not sure, I would need to do more research but my gut says yes. Aerosmith x Run DMC is also an acceptable answer. Maybe Taylor Swift and Brendan Urie, maybe.
I like Audioslave. I like to listen to Audioslave. But when a sex scene is about to start, Audioslave is not the vibe.
Their first was 2013’s Out of the Furnace, an average film, and then 2017’s Hostiles, an above-average film but still not great.
Which film exactly? That would take some deeper thinking that only a hypnotist could help me unlock. My initial guess would be Rocky IV because I’m fairly certain I rewatched the training montages to inspire me to work out. This was normal behavior for anyone obsessed with Rocky IV.